Father's Day, On Mirrors & Learning

Borrowed

"True parents do not see to it that their children grow in a particular way, according to a preferred pattern or scripted stages, but they see to it that they grow with their children. The character of one's parenting, if it is genuinely dramatic, must be constantly altered from within as the children change from within. So, too, with teaching, or working with, or loving each other."

From "Finite and Infinite Games" by James Carse [Book]

Learned & Thought

Dana made a whole weekend out of Father's Day. We spent time in Philly at the Please Touch Museum, checked out a restaurant I've been eyeing called Picnic, and even made it to a car show, something I've been saying Mylo would love. Busy and fun. I was also lucky to spend time with family.

One of my favorite moments, though, was on Friday when I became Mylo's barber. He usually goes to mine, but we keep forgetting to get an appointment. I'll admit, something about attempting a nice fade seemed so satisfying. After years of watching barbers cut my hair, I've always felt like I could do it myself, just not on my own head. It wasn't until recently that I considered testing that theory on Mylo. Happy to report he's been getting compliments, and it lights me up to hear him say "daddy cut my hair."

Kneeling down, watching him look into my eyes as we got started, I wished I could go into his mind and understand how he sees me. I always knew I'd be a Dad, but I could never have understood what it would feel like. I'm a semi-new parent, but Mylo is almost 3. It's been years now, and I still look at my kids in awe. Dana and I often laugh, remarking how crazy it is that we brought these little humans into the world. Part of me hopes that feeling never goes away.

On Saturday, Mylo was being really difficult at times, and I'll just say, patience isn't always my strong suit. By the end of the night, we were at dinner with my family, and he kept asking me for hugs, just wanting to be close to me. It broke my heart as I held him, thinking he probably felt bad about parts of the day and how I could have better handled those situations.

Truth is, when I think he's overreacting, and I overreact in turn, I'm just making it worse. I'm not modeling the behavior I want him to see. I mirror him. He mirrors me. A brutal cycle. It's funny, this was one of the first lessons we learned when training our dog Gizmo as a puppy. I even wrote a blog post about it called "Dog or Human: Lead With Your Desired Energy." Knowing isn't doing! Especially when running on little sleep.

On Sunday, I tried a different approach when he got upset or angry. I gave him options for how to handle it, stayed calm, talked him through it, and tried to help him see how he was acting so we could decide a path forward together. Pretty incredible to see the change.

I've always thought of myself as someone who is growth-minded, long before I had the vocabulary for it. To be better, to learn. When kids came into the mix, that deepened, but it also changed. Now it's about being better not just for me, but for them, and showing them the way. Easier to write about than to balance in real time.

As Mylo's personality continues to blossom, it gets more and more real. He tests me, mimics me, plays by the rules I set, and holds me to them. Just the other morning, he let me know I still had my shoes on in the kitchen, and that I shouldn't be walking around the house in them. The highs are high, and the lows are tough, and any parent knows they can switch within seconds. But I wouldn't trade any of it.

Being a dad has already been the most special experience of my life, a lesson in letting go and in learning about myself.

My daughter Cora entered our lives about 6 months ago, and she's a sweet little baby. I can't wait to see what lessons await me on her journey to patrolling the kitchen for shoes. For now, it's her little smile looking back at me in the wee hours of the morning as I get up to start my day that says everything. The same wonder I get when I look at Mylo. How lucky am I.