The Work of Inner Balance

This post originally appeared in my weekly newsletter, BL&T (Borrowed, Learned, & Thought). Subscribe

Borrowed

"Jeffrey A. Rodgers, an executive vice president at Cornish & Carey Commercial/Newmark Knight Frank, was once taught the simple idea of pausing to refresh. It began when Jeff realized that as he drove home from work each evening his mind was still focused on work-related projects. We all know this feeling. We may have left the office physically, but we are very much still there mentally, as our minds get caught in the endless loop of replaying the events of today and worrying about all the things we need to get done the following day.

So now, as he gets to the door of his house, he applies what he calls “the pause that refreshes.” This technique is easy. He stops for just a moment. He closes his eyes. He breathes in and out once: deeply and slowly. As he exhales, he lets the work issues fall away. This allows him to walk through the front door to his family with more singleness of purpose. It supports the sentiment attributed to Lao Tzu: 'In work, do what you enjoy. In family life, be completely present..'"

From "Essentialism" by Greg McKeown [Book]

Learned

I'm writing this on Sunday as I'm riding home from my nephew Rafael’s second birthday party in Virginia. Thanks to Dana for taking the drive back. Raf is not only one month younger than Mylo to the day, but he also shares a birthday with my Mom-Mom and father-in-law. My Mom-Mom, who Mylo affectionately calls “Nonna,” turned 97 today, and she’s still got it. To give you a sense of what I mean by “it,” we talked to her on FaceTime this morning, we text with her daily, and last weekend, Mylo and I took her out to lunch. I am grateful Mylo gets to have Nonna in his life, and she him. She’s incredible.

I’m thinking I’ll keep it short today, but that does not mean there is not a lot on my mind. Lately, I keep coming back to this tricky word called balance. I was lucky to learn several years ago that chasing perfect balance is an impossible pursuit. Whether it is the classic work-life balance or the ratio of meetings to focused work time in a week, it rarely lines up neatly. In his book Millionaire Real Estate Agent, Gary Keller puts it this way:

"The idea of having a balanced life is actually more idealistic than it is practical. I’ve found that it is healthier to attempt to lead a counterbalanced life where the issue isn’t that you got out of balance, but how long you stay there. Implicit in the label is an acceptance that, at times, your life will be out of balance."

But I think there is another sort of balance: the equilibrium you feel inside, even when one part of life is spilling over and another feels like it is running dry.

If I am being honest with myself, that is where I have been stumbling lately. The last couple of months have presented all kinds of unexpected challenges. I do not complain; I try to express gratitude and embrace the “it’s all part of life” mentality, but I am not sure I have done a good job of acknowledging the pressure. I mostly keep my head down and push through. Address the home project issues. Figure out the plan for the upcoming conference. Do not miss a training run for the half-marathon. So on, and so forth.

I am a creature of habit, so I feel like I'm on track when I can fall into routine. From waking up around 5 am, journaling, and exercising to dinnertime and putting Mylo down, I feel grounded and have the sense that I am in control. But lately I have been wondering if there is a point where habits become so ingrained that they lose something special. What I have been missing is that moment to slow down, rest—truly rest—and address what is weighing on me, then figure out a path forward.

Looking back, I know sleep has been part of it too. There are nights I stay up later than I planned, and days where my Whoop is telling me not to push, but I ignore it. I convince myself I have it under control until I'm running on fumes. The physical stress I put on myself is real and easy to notice. The mental stress is not always as obvious. It compounds and quietly creeps up. Lately, I end most evenings exhausted, but I rarely break routine, I just keep on keeping on. The good is that there is so much I am excited to do and inspired to take on. The real work is not trying to do it all at once.

Over the last month, it's caught up with me in a troubling way. Twice now, it has taken a physical toll I could not ignore, forcing me to stop and leaving me unable to be the person I am striving to be for the people and areas of my life I care about most. That has been a wake-up call.

I initially hesitated to share this, but I am learning that doing so is not a weakness. Burying it is. I also know that I am not alone, and that sharing more than the highs is important.

I am lucky to have people around me who care. I need to be better about letting them in, instead of convincing myself I should carry it all on my own. It is not about avoiding pressure, but about acknowledging it and being thoughtful about how to manage and prioritize. Maybe that is where real balance begins.