The Quiet Power of Asking First

This post originally appeared in my weekly newsletter, BL&T (Borrowed, Learned, & Thought). Subscribe

Borrowed

“Importantly, your team actually relies on you enabling them to be self-managing, for at least two crucial reasons. First, for your team to operate both at its best and for the individual members to thrive, research shows that autonomy and a sense of ownership are essential (i.e., self-determination theory). Without feeling and having autonomy and ownership in what they’re doing, your team will be handicapped in their own growth and motivation.”

From “10x Is Easier Than 2x” by Dan Sullivan and Benjamin Hardy [Book]

Learned

The quiet power of asking good questions has been on my mind after a few conversations last week. It came up with managers trying to help their teams take more ownership without stepping in too quickly, and with team members looking for a way to share ideas that gets people leaning in instead of shutting down.

When you are in a position to guide someone, it is easy to feel like the quickest way forward is to tell them exactly what to do. I have fallen into that trap plenty of times, thinking I'm helping them or improving the situation they're in. The trouble is they learn much less by not playing a role in determining the next action. Worse yet, if they disagree, they might not say anything and blindly follow the instruction because it came from me. I have noticed the difference in something as small as changing “You should have a serious conversation about [your direct report's] performance” to “Do you think they are aware of how their performance is impacting others?” One gives them a task to complete. The other invites them to reflect, assess the situation, and decide for themselves how best to address it. These moments often lead to a plan we are both aligned on, and they have more conviction carrying it out than if I had told them what to do.

The same principle applies when you are the one bringing ideas to the table in a team collaboration. I spoke with someone who felt the project team rarely heard their voice. They would say something like, “We should not show this to the client” and, even with an explanation, would get pushback or defensiveness. We tried reframing it as a question that still surfaced their concerns, such as “Do you think the client will have the capacity to take on the work this implies?” or “How will we handle it if they think this is part of the current scope?” The idea stays the same, but now the group is unpacking it together.

I like how this approach changes the tone. It is not about hiding what you think. It is about giving it a better chance to be heard and understood. Questions lower the temperature and make room for other perspectives.

These conversations have been a good reminder for me as the team expands with our Business Development Manager starting this week and our Marketing Manager joining next week. There will be moments when they look to me for the next step, but I hired them for their experience and ideas, not so I can tell them what to do.

If you want to try this approach yourself, it can be fun to turn it into a challenge. In your next conversation, catch every statement you are about to make and see if you can flip it into a question. You might find it slows you down, helps you listen more closely, and leads to a stronger outcome than the one you had in mind going in.